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August 1, 2024Survivor of Suicide Loss Meeting in Greenville, SC
January 14, 2025
CONTENT WARNING: The awesome people who answered this post on Reddit will be talking about losses to suicide. If you are struggling with your mental health at the moment, you may want to stop here. We can all help prevent suicide. The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.
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I was cruising through the website Reddit the other day when a question that was asked in a forum caught my attention. The question was this: What were the warning signs before someone you know killed themselves? The answers did not disappoint, and I posted some of my favorites below. Before you head down there, I thought I would post the sort of official warning signs here too. I say sort of, because every person is unique, and as you will read in the posts below, sometimes there are no warning signs. Hindsight is 20/20 and I believe that most times there is a clue, and here is what to look for:
Talking about:
- Wanting to die
- Great guilt or shame
- Being a burden to others
Feeling:
- Empty, hopeless, trapped, or having no reason to live
- Extremely sad, more anxious, agitated, or full of rage
- Unbearable emotional or physical pain
Changing behavior, such as:
- Making a plan or researching ways to die
- Withdrawing from friends, saying goodbye, giving away important items, or making a will
- Taking dangerous risks such as driving extremely fast
- Displaying extreme mood swings
- Eating or sleeping more or less
- Using drugs or alcohol more often
Source: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/warning-signs-of-suicide (pretty good source IMHO)
Now try to remember the above signs, and see if you can match them to the following comments provided by the kind folks who answered the question on Reddit. Editor’s note: reading this stuff may save a life, but also please give yourself grace for past omissions. We will use this knowledge going forward. I wrote this for myself, as I lost two brothers to suicide. A death from suicide is a completed grief that arrives with a ton of baggage, usually in the form of guilt. Would have, could have, and should have seem to just come with the loss. It just sucks, but it does get better. Proceed.
The question is: What were the warning signs before someone you know killed themselves?
My older sister had failed attempts, was obviously depressed and then suddenly she was okay! For MONTHS! Happy go lucky and a normal sibling.Then at Christmas she was happy but quiet, sat back and observed a lot – told me she was “taking it all in” and wanted LOTS of family photos. She ended her life 2 and a half weeks later.
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A couple weeks before my cousin passed, he gave all his computer login info, passwords, Steam account etc, to his older brother. His older brother is one of the smartest people I know, passed the Bar Exam with flying colors, I could tell stories, etc. He still missed it. He just really didn’t want to believe his little brother was going to do that.
Awesome response from another Reddit user to the above comment: I’m sorry that you went through that. Understand that it’s very hard to see an unacceptable reality.
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I remember one of my classmates who had been struggling with severe depression suddenly became very jolly and smiled at all of us. We were so happy and thought she had finally found a way to be happy again. It was a sudden and noticeable change, but sadly, she didn’t come to school the next day, and we later found out she had ended her life.
Awesome response from another Reddit user to the above comment: It is very common for people who have decided to complete suicide to become more cheerful, as they have finally seen a way out of their pain. You’re right that a weight was lifted from her. I hope it sets your mind a bit more at rest.
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When I made up my mind to go through with it, I became very calm, serene like. I knew I wouldn’t be in so much pain soon and I was getting my affairs in order so I could do it the following day. We were very briefly living with my mom at the time and she knew I wasn’t right. She said in passing that if I was having a hard time hanging on right now, to hang on to her. And she hugged me. That one statement gave me the glimmer of hope to get help. I’m here 14 years later, alive and well.
Awesome response from another Reddit user to the above comment: If someone you love seems off, say something. You never know how much it could mean.
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My mom asked for a hug when I was 14, at that age I was like “nobody touches me”, she insisted for the hug, I hugged her, it was the last time I saw her. I’m kinda good with it now but for two decades I was like “I should’ve guess something was wrong”
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Throughout middle school I was very close with this girl who was known for being outgoing, sometimes problematic, just overall very vocal. She would casually mention suicide daily, for example, every minor inconvenience she would jokingly say “I’ll just kill myself”. She was also diagnosed with a few mental health and mood disorders and openly struggled with self harm. Snapchat was incredibly popular during this period. Anytime she had a bad night or a shitty experience she would post a cryptic message on Snapchat hinting she needed someone to vent to. They grew from teenage girl things like “I hate men” to eventually posts with a black screen saying things like “the pain will never end”. The messages got more and more cryptic, although she had dozens of friends including me always willing to talk throughout these episodes, she reached out for attention from us less and less. The night before she passed she made another post saying she was tired of living in pain, one of my close friends Face-timed her that night and she seemed to be “fine”. That morning she took her life
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There was this class clown in high school that I didn’t really know but we connected over a single deep conversation about our abuse in an Asian household, and he always joked about how severely his dad beat him. Fast forward a few years and I randomly see him at the gym, where he was really happy to see me and asked if we could talk about something serious over the weekend. I apologized, letting him know I was heading back to college the next day but we could catch up next time. His funeral was a week later. I always think what might’ve happened if we just talked. He never really opens up about personal things, jokester as he is, so I really should’ve taken his serious ask to heart.
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One of my best friends killed himself when we were juniors in high school, and it was wildly shocking to most people, but I correctly guessed what had occurred before the news broke at school that morning. It wasn’t as obvious as I’d imagined it would be before it actually happened, but there were signs:
— He ran away from home for at least a month during our sophomore year. Nobody knew where he was, and it was just more weird than worrisome, because he was a pretty resourceful kid. He had walked 35ish miles to his father’s place, then ended up in a psychiatric unit for a few weeks.
— He was in a small series of relatively brief, but very intense relationships, the last of which had apparently ended (or was on the rocks) right before he did it.
— He knew that my locker didn’t latch properly, and would open it up all the time. He began leaving things there, like video games, for me to ‘borrow’, but wouldn’t ever take them back.
— His favorite track was blink-182’s ‘Adam’s Song’. (Note from Dennis: Google the Lyrics—they are dark)
— He had a very privileged upbringing, but a lot of pent-up anger and frustration. He was impulsive and had substance use issues long before he had the resources (or desire) to address and manage them.
— This is probably the biggest one: He engaged in very risky behavior all the time. He would run out in front of traffic on 45+ mph roads just to make people stop, because he thought it was funny. There wasn’t much of a sense of self-preservation with him, ever, and he occasionally engaged in self-harm.
He was rough around the edges, liked to stir up trouble for no reason, and was a bit of a menace. His favorite thing was to watch as the world burned, then douse it in a little more fuel. Given his lust for chaos, none of this stood out to me until I analyzed it after his death. Maybe I’m just trying to make sense of it, 15 years on, and I know for certain that there’s nothing I could have done, even if I did know. That’s just how stubborn he was.
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They stop making plans. No vacation plans. No holiday plans. No longer wanting to see that movie you have been planning on seeing since you saw the previews. They are doing that because they don’t think they will be around for it. Then they will stop going to standing plans, like the game night you do once a month or that brunch you do every other week. They are doing that because they want you to get used to the idea of them not being there anymore.
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They also might start having a very minimalist lifestyle. They aren’t buying things that you know they need or know they have wanted because they don’t think they will be around to use it.
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My friend killed herself, there was no warning. I think she did it within 10 minutes of deciding. Sometimes people act on impulse, and they make mistakes that can’t be undone. I’ve been suicidal many times since then. But I’ve always given myself 3 days to change my mind, and so far I have every time. If she’d done the same, maybe she would still be here.
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My friend disappeared for a full weekend, he checked into a hotel. Looking back on it… I think he had planned to take his life then…. But he didn’t…. Then a few weeks later he purposefully visits all of our close group of friends, looking back … to say goodbye. I still remember him sitting only my sofa and I still wonder if there’s anything else I could have said or done. It was over 20 years ago and still feels like yesterday.
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There weren’t any. My best friend and I talked almost daily through texts and social media. Then one day randomly I got a phone call that he was gone. I was literally in the process of taking pictures of some warhammer minis I wanted to show him when I got the call. I wish there were signs so I could reach out and be there for him more or do something. I know it’s not my fault but the guilt still gets to me.
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If you’re ever thinking about doing something like that please reach out to anyone. Even if you’ve only known that person a couple of days or you used to be friends a long time ago. Please reach out. I miss you Sam. More than anything and my life won’t be the same without you.
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One thing that shocked me in the aftermath was the number of people who had been affected by someone they love or care about taking their own lives. I make sure now that everyone I care about knows.
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Final comment from me. Learn these warning signs going forward, forgive yourself for going backwards, and be present today. That’s all we can ask. “It is the greatest of all mistakes, to do nothing because you can only do little.”-Reverend Sydney Smith
Thank you for reading this far. I appreciate you.
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